My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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