i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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