woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
