dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
