life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
