3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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