I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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