did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
