here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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