i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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