yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
