well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
