just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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