You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
