He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
