3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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