planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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