Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
