I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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