i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ketchup is God's man juice
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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