I want to make a zoo with you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
