I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize