this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize