so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
