Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
