i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
