He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
