3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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