I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
