I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
