May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
