Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize