You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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