i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
