I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
