I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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