Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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