Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
