fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize