i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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