I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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