I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
