Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
