And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
