Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just had sex on a roof
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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