the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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