I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
