Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
