Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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