Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
