and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
