I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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