like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
