Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I met the friendliest cop last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
