dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
