everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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