and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize