Buhtt sex?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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