last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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