i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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