32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
