plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Drake has all the answers
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
