yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
