I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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