you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
As shirtless as possible
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
