So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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