You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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